A POETIC JOURNEY THROUGH DARKER TIMES

I didn't think I could go on.  I'd lost hope, direction and my will to live.  My physician thought I might take my own life and I couldn't render assurance I wouldn't.  So, I was admitted ... to a hospital ... where the doors were locked ... where I couldn't leave .. and where I sat for 9 straight days in a rocking chair, with headphones feeding music through my ears and looking out a window at the fading days of autumn.

Then, on day 10, I picked up a pen and paper.  The inner pain and turmoil spilled out onto the page in the following words ...

Looking through my window

I watch the trees turn gold ...

autumn's here and passing

soon, to winter's cold.

Inside, my heart can feel it

as autumn slips away ...

the warmth from it is fading

a little more each day.

More that just a season

is passing by this time ...

it's life as I have known it

that's now no longer mine.

And yes, just like the trees

my colors too have turned ...

to shades all dark and gray

I've lost what I have learned.

That spark is gone that kept

me warm midst  winter winds ...

I sense the frost set in

to seize my soul of sins.

And as the trees now grasp

to keep their colored leaves ...

in the ordered way of things

they're lost, but no one grieves.

For life is not designed

to hesitate nor slow ...

the clock of time, nor wait

for those too hurt to grow.

Survival brings its pain

the trees could tell us how ...

all stripped and bare and cold

by spring they take their bow.

For life ascribes its line

to each of nature's schemes ...

but you and I, my friend

are on our own it seems.

Yes, some will lean and bend

and weather winter snows ...

but some, like me will lose

their way, that's how it goes.

And God, if there is one

will see those hearts that tried ...

to mend their brokenness

within a soul that died.

But God helps those who help

themselves, so it's been said ...

and if, like leaves, we drop

upon the ground instead

the snows will come to cover

and freeze us where we lie ...

but nature won't protect us

like the trees, that never die.

Our roots are not so strong

nor deep, like trees possess ...

and blizzards when they come,

will take us down, I guess.

So as I watch the fall

bring quickly changing hues ...

despair brings me much closer

to paying my own dues.

For giving up the hope

that spring will come for me ...

my seasons end this time

I'm right where I should be.

Behind gray walls of brick

that keep me safe, but I'm ...

a prisoner of myself

I've lost the will this time

to fight those falling leaves

'cause I can't stop them, no ...

I've given up on me

and await the coming snow.

The journey will continue in my next post ...

WHERE WAS GOD AT THE NEWTOWN MASSACRE?

I have heard so many people ask this question ... there are so many different and unique responses.  Quite a range, not surprisingly so.  Through the various answers are the apparent differences in how one embraces their particular "religion" or faith stance.  No one, however, really HAS the answer to this question.  

I am reminded of the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", written by a Rabbi (I can't remember the name) and read so many years ago midst a personal tragedy.  I can't remember if it helped me make sense of things at the time, but strangely, it did help me turn inward and question my own faith.   I am not Jewish, but Christian, though the distinction doesn't really matter.  It made me think, really think hard, about my personal beliefs and examine what "faith" really means to me.  

I tend to spend too much time "in my head" as has been pointed out to me many times, which led me to self reflect how this impacts my world view and ultimately my spirituality.  It is "safer" to be there, seeking logical answers to illogical events.  What it only added (and adds) to is personal frustration.  I want answers!  If God really loves us, first why would He let such things happen and second, why wouldn't He help us understand WHY?  It took me a while to conclude that if He DID do so, where would that leave us regarding our "faith"?  

Why would we even have to HAVE faith if He supplied all the answers?  Things would happen, we would be given the  explanation and on we'd go in life.  We'd never have to self reflect, question each other's intentions or ultimately, feel compelled to talk with each other about our feelings of doubt, fear, loneliness, or host of other emotions we'd just as soon never feel.  We wouldn't have to, gulp, develop trust  in anyone, because God would provide the answers!  

How many of us have truly stopped to think about how our lives would be different if this were truly the case?  At some level, I think what we ASSUME would happen is who or whatever caused a tragedy would be identified, the motive explained, why God allowed it to happen and swift punishment would reign down on the offender and we could all go on.  

BUT, when we ask the question, "why would God let something like this happen", when a horrific event occurs, do we really WANT the answer?  What would we DO with it?  Disagree with God?  Get angry with God?  Stop believing in God?  Because, if all the answers to bad things happening in life were immediately supplied to us, what would the meaning of life BE?  What would we need each other for? EVER?  Why would anyone risk anything, challenge anything, try to gain wisdom, care about and for anyone else?  All we would need is, ourselves and GOD!  We're born, things happen, we're told why and who is responsible, and God takes care of it.  Well wouldn't that just be peachy keen?  No one would NEED each other, have to TRUST one another, LEAN on one another, SACRIFICE for another, feel PAIN for another ... we'd be nice little robots going about taking care of this earth (not each other) in anticipation of LEAVING it and go be with God.  Which of course wouldn't seem as inviting if all the things in life we question were already answered.

I can't imagine what the families' in Newtown are experiencing, how deep their devastation is, or how they are possibly coping.  But, as far as I understand, they are?  But how you say, HOW??  I sure don't have the answer and God hasn't told any of us either.  But I suspect, just suspect mind you, that it has something to do with trusting, loving, sacrificing and walking through the pain TOGETHER!  What a novel idea?  Not really for me ... it is the cornerstone of my personal faith.  That what God intended and tries to teach us all, in the whole world, is that we need each other to survive.  That what "life" IS, is relationships.  It really isn't about what we do, what we have materially, what we have achieved, etc., though these are important facets in life ... it is about WHO we have in our lives and our interactions with same that gives life meaning.  We aren't robots sent to earth to keep it nice and tidy, functioning in all ways to meet the needs of God ... NO, we are mortal people, given the "gift" of life in our relationships with EACH OTHER!  To love and grow and experience the full gamut of feelings we are innately given at birth.  That means, the pain and agony of defeat, the celebration and thrill of accomplishment, the truths and falsehoods of our vulnerabilities ... but through it all, it's the "going through it" together, hand in hand, side by side, no matter what, that gives us the strength to wake up each day to each other, with the loving hand of God to guide  and strengthen us through it all.  What a gift.  His grace and love, there but for the taking.  I trust those in Newtown are taking all they can and vicariously I send to them, all the compassion and love possible through the spiritual air from my town to theirs.

I 

OUR MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM IS BROKEN TOO

One of the fundamental ideologies repeated for many of us throughout our "educational" process in preparation to become therapists, is that when something goes "wrong" in therapy, E.G., the "client doesn't improve", supposedly it is "never the client's fault."  

Nice in concept and it sure made sense to me, thus I never thought much about, or questioned it at the time.

Once getting through grad school and getting experience in "real life", as in gaining employment, rendering counseling services and building a "client load",  it wasn't long before I was re-visiting that fundamental principle of "the client is never to blame."  Initially, this wasn't because I was struggling with my own clients, but my involvement in "case conferencing" with fellow colleagues was a stark and rude awakening.  My training and ethical belief about who is to "blame" when therapy stalls (remembering NOT the client) was in full frontal assault.

I was amazed in listening to other "highly qualified" (and supremely more experienced and "seasoned" than I at the time) therapists discuss cases in which progress was either stalled, or not seeming to make "progress", transgress into discussion related to a client's "diagnosis", their "resistance to treatment" or lack of "motivation."  Rarely did I hear subsequent discussion focus on what the professional (how I came to despise that term regarding many of my colleagues) might need to examine regarding their own intervention techniques, which were and still are in too many instances,  subjective analyses made by, who else? ... the therapist themselves!  


On very rare occasion was that ever questioned.  Instead, it was almost always about, you guessed it, the CLIENT.  "What makes the client so resistant, or lack motivation, or demonstrate lack of progress ..."  A convenient and pernicious way of, in essence ... yup you got it ... blaming the client!  Nice and neatly packaged so the therapist could keep that dammed ol mirror neatly out of sight

.  

I am not implying there is universal application to all therapists in the world here.  There are many fine, experienced, competent and compassionate professionals out there who are delivering quality and impressive services to client's.  I speak from my personal experience and journey through the jungle of my career and "socialworkdom".  :)  Thirty years of it and counting ...

Hindsight has left me with this "bee in my bonnet" so this post reveals the anger and pain that I hold for so many of those in the field who are rendering services to people they are more in need of themselves.  Why anger?  Because the quaint little adage that a "therapist can only take a client as far as they are", is likely true!   Meaning of course, that if the professional has not "cleaned their own house", how can they assist others to "clean" theirs?  The answer is, in lieu of miracles, they can't.  The risk for clients in these situations is often either further trauma/re-abuse at most, and/or a waste of their (or their insurance's) money at least. 

Either way, these situations certainly do not speak well of our Mental Health System, whatever that term really even means. (I pause at using the institution of Mental Health and "System" in the same sentence)...  our political "system" is NOT the only thing broken in this country.  And the fix has no easy answers even if there are answers to be had.  What are the chances they will be identified much less implemented and achieved?  And why the pain I referred to? It is reflected in the answer to my last statement ... "not in my lifetime." 

I welcome responses, agree/disagreements, or thoughts in general.

some images borrowed from google

WHAT (AND WHO) DEFINES HOW WE SEE OURSELVES

Life is full of ups and downs, no doubt about it.  It is HOW we manage the "hills and valleys" that seems to determine who we are, how we are judged, to whom we are viewed as "friend", when and where we are trusted ... in other words, what our character is.

I despise being judged by others without discussion regarding how I see myself and what my personal beliefs are.  In other words I appreciate being "heard" ?  Arrogance will distance me rather immediately from most who display good measures of it and angry, impulsive personal affronts to my person without provocation terrify me and hypocrisy drives me to drink!  (Which I never do, but it sets in motion a great deal of ideation regarding the temptation to do so! LOL)

I started this blog for the intended purpose of being able to discuss how I view this (and my) world, how my career and life's experiences have molded who I am and sharing that with others.  I desire to hear from others how they view their world, themselves and who wish to share whatever they wish regarding their life's journey as well.  

Perhaps whomever I come to know on this blog will contribute to my growing wisdom (which  has vast room for expansion) and I to theirs.

Hop on board people.  I am easy to get along with and hope you will find a friendly, safe place to speak your truth!